


The Emergent Expatriates of the Empress

by mademoisellePlume, Vinnocent



Series: Witchstuck [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Family Dynamics, Gen, Past Abuse, Phobias
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3600516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mademoisellePlume/pseuds/mademoisellePlume, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinnocent/pseuds/Vinnocent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The guardians find out what the kids have been up to and lay down the law.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note 1: Here, "Nanna" is used as Nanna Egbert's actual name. Jake and Jade refer to her as "Mom" while others simply call her Nanna. "June" Harley is the name I chose for alpha!Jade. Jake and Jade refer to her as "Mum". Others call her June, Grandma, or Ms. Harley. In the narration of this fic, she is mostly referred to as "your mom" to prevent confusion with Roma. As mentioned in the extra chapter on fic #1, June is trans, which is how Nanna and June are able to have biological children.
> 
> Note 2: I'm back from weekend vacation, but will be updating less frequently. My buffer is pretty much gone, and I need time to write in between completing other work.

Your name is Jade Harley, and you are currently standing before your moms with your brother (Jake) and your nephew (John), while June Harley yells at you. “BETTY CROCKER?” she screams. “YOU WERE ANTAGONIZING BETTY FUCKING CROCKER?! LIKE THIS FAMILY HASN’T HAD ENOUGH FROM THAT BATTERWITCH?!” It only occurs to you now that this monicker may be more literal than you had previously thought.

You’re all gathered in Lalonde Manor, which was the only home with enough room that didn’t require teleporting a dozen people across the pacific ocean. Off to the side, Roxy and Rose are sitting on either side of Roma Lalonde on a large, overstuffed, kind of blocky couch. They look cowed. Over in the corner are Dave and Dirk, who are sulking and pissed, with Bro standing a good six feet away from them. They’re exhausted and covered in strifing bruises from Bro dragging them into training _three times a day_ as punishment, but you have a feeling that what they’re most upset about is his threat to take away all of their witchy gear, depending on how this meeting goes. The only person who isn’t here is Jane, who Nanna thought it best to leave out of the discussion, due to her bias in favor of Betty.

So far, it is not going well.

“Well,” Jake says, squirming and not quite meeting their eyes. “To be fair, you never told us that she’d bumped someone off.”

The room falls silent. Bro takes a deep breath. Releases it. “I have told them, and I am going to tell you, and it is going to be the last fucking time I say it, so pay attention brats: Dave Strider and Rosa Lalonde were killed by _people_. Human people who suck and are in jail. Get it?”

“What, you suddenly forget that possession is a thing?” Dirk snarls.

“You can’t _break_ human will,” Bro counters. So far his voice has stayed even, but somehow that betrays even more.

“No, but you can bend it,” says Roxy. “Maybe they were mad at him. Maybe they had grown to resent him. We don’t know! But we _do_ know that Her Imperious Condescension was behind it, and _Betty Crocker_ was behind her!”

Bro rolls his eyes. “And how do you know that?” he asks. His voice is carefully even, challenging absolutely everyone to a fight. This isn’t going well at all. At this rate, you’ll all lose before you even start.

“Cancer told us!” says Roxy, and half the room flinches.

Bro _snickers_ at her. “Oh. A spirit told you,” he mocks her. “Well, alright then. That’s totally grounds for spending twenty hours off the radar attacking the head of a multinational corporation!”

“More like multi-dimensional,” Dave sulks.

“Don’t start with me,” Bro warns.

Your moms are exchanging dubious looks. “I think…” Mum says carefully, “that perhaps this conversation is swinging in the wrong direction…”

Dirk steps forward, challenging. If someone doesn’t step in the middle, they’re gonna start swinging! But the only person who has any confidence at handling them is Dave, who is currently solidly on Dirk’s side. “What I want to know is why you are dead-set against finding out for sure,” he drawls. “I mean, he was only your brother.”

Bro punches the wall. He’s inches from Dirk’s face, and he is _seething_. He starts to say something, closes his mouth, turns, and storms toward the door at the other end of the room. Roma quickly gets up and goes to follow him. She catches up when they’re only a couple feet from the door, and you don’t hear what she says to him, but everyone hears what he shouts back, “ _Because if there was ever anything that could have been done about it, then why didn’t I?!_ ”

“You did,” she assures him quietly, and you're close enough to see him shoot her a poisonous look. “We did. We knew when we were given Roxy and Dirk that there was a reason for it. So we kept our heads down because these children needed _someone_. What we did- What you did, it _matters_.”

The room, again, falls into silence. Dirk looks like he’s about to get in another jab, but Dave puts a hand on his shoulder, finally interceding. They look surprised when Bro lets Roma hug him, and he sags into her. He's back to stoic already, but he's taking noticeably measured breaths.

“Maybe we should take a break,” your mom suggests quietly, wringing her hands. “I have some cakes in the－”

“No, it’s fine,” Bro mumbles. He pulls back from Roma, rubs his face exhaustedly, and takes a deep breath. He turns back to the group as though about to address them again, then pauses. Turns back to your mom. “Did you say ‘cakes’? As in plural? Holy shit, woman, do you live up to the Crocker name.”

Her eyes narrow, and you flinch. “My name is _not_ Crocker,” she says. “That’s actually what we meant when June said that this conversation was going the wrong way.”

“I think,” Roma says, putting a hand on Bro’s shoulder. “We should hear everyone out. Yes, the kids fucked up _royally_. Yes, they should be punished for it. But they’re _our_ kids. Roxy and Dirk are ours for a reason. When they trusted them to us, we knew that they knew something they weren’t telling us. We thought it was their lifestyle, but… If they’re right… If Cancer is right, then something very powerful and very malicious now has its eyes on _them_. We have to find out every detail so that we can protect them.”

“Exactly!” Mum cries, throwing up her hands. “Now, will you shut up and listen, you ass-backwards, fucking overdramatic palookas!”

“What’s a palooka?” Dave asks in a stage whisper to the girls.

Without missing a beat, Rose answers, “It’s a kind of bird.”

You blink up at your mum. “Um, Mum? What are you talking about?”

“There is a _reason_ why we call her ‘Batterwitch’,” she says.

“And why we disapprove of magic,” your mom adds.

“She is evil and conniving,” Mum hisses. “I ran the moment I met her. All the way here. I could not trust that woman anywhere that I was in reach of her. I didn’t need any spirit to tell me what she was. I could feel that evil crawling up my bones.”

“It was worse, for me,” Nanna says quietly. She’s wringing her hands again. June wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her close without saying anything. “She adopted me. I asked her why, later, when the act began to seem less charitable… It was never loving. She told me that she had plans for me. She never said what. But she started involving me in these… rituals. I don’t remember much. I think, perhaps, I may have been possessed. She often was. She would not be called Betty. She would be called Empress, Her Highness, or Her Imperious Condescension.”

Roxy gasps audibly. Rose and Dirk both lean forward with sudden interest. Bro’s fingers are gripped so tight on Roma’s arm that her flesh pales beneath. Attention rapt, she appears not to have noticed. John looks like he’s about to cry, and both you and Jake reach back to take his hands.

“But it felt like it was something I was supposed to do. I tried not to question it. There was nothing I could do if the answers to these questions were unsettling,” Nanna continues. “She eventually married Mr. Harley. June and Jonathan’s father. As June said, she only met her once, and it was… antagonistic. Jonathan thought his sibling had been rude, and he was very fond of me. We became very good friends, and, eventually, we married.” She shrugs. “It seemed like the thing to do at the time.

“I think I thought that it was over. But with every passing year, I found myself growing more and more miserable. There were gaps in my memory. I was so confused. I just spent my days baking and looking after chores and almost nothing else. I was like a robot. I must have known something, deep down, for me to name my child Egbert, my original surname, instead of Crocker. Believing the fault was our marriage, Jonathan offered to divorce me. I’m not sure _why_ I agreed… I think, perhaps, in those days, I would have agreed to any suggestion… But I am forever indebted to him for it, though he knows not the reason. Still, at the time that I was meant to move back in with my adoptive mother, I fell sick. I was ill at the mere mention of such a thing. Jonathan offered instead to send me to his sister for fresher air. Sea air. Again, I agreed.

“Within a matter of days after my arrival, I was more clear-headed than I had been in the past twenty years. I began to remember the things that had happened. I began to recount them to June, nervous that she would not believe me, but she did. She said that she had sensed that presence that I knew so well. She promised me the island’s safety. She showed me how to befriend the guardian, who we called Becquerel. Eventually, we fell in love and had children of our own. It was only when Jake and Jade got Facebook accounts and reunited with their extended family electronically, which we had approved on condition that they never connect to any Crocker account and that they block all advertisements… It was only then that we learned that Betty had adopted a new heiress, Jane. I feared so greatly for her, but there was nothing I could do. Unlike me, Jane loves Betty dearly. She could not be convinced of the batterwitch’s true motives: youth, beauty, and power. I tried to convince myself that, if that was the path that Jane wanted, then it was alright to leave things as they were… In truth, I was… I am the same coward that I’ve always been. Letting Betty have whatever she wants, just so I won’t have to face her.”

Without letting go of John’s hand, you and Jake both move in to hug your mothers. Especially Nanna, who looks so upset. When John trepidatiously goes in for a hug, your mom pulls him in tight and buries her face in his hair.

“Awe shit, I’m gonna have to go the dentist now,” Bro drawls.

“You say that like you ain’t currently huggin’ Mom,” Dave says with the exact same drawl.

“You catch blindness from that dragon, boy?” Bro mocks. “This here is a supportive bro-clutch.” Both Dirk and Dave groan while Roma snickers behind her hand.

“I can hug you, Father,” Rose offers with an evil smile. “I’d hate for you to miss out on this lovely moment.”

“Nah, you’re grounded. No hugs for you,” Bro retorts. Nevertheless, Rose gets up anyway. “I said stay in your goddamn seat.”

Rose rolls her eyes. “I was only straightening my skirts,” she says, smoothing out non-existent wrinkles before sitting back down.

“Right,” Bro grouses. There is no one that can get under his skin as easily and extremely as Rose and Dirk. Sometimes, it’s hard not to believe that they’re the twins.

“The point,” your mom says as she pulls herself out of the group hug, “is that if any of you cockamamie assholes had _asked_ about this ‘Dave and Rosa,’ we would have told you that, one, yes, it is not only possible but probable that she murdered them for opposing her, and two, if you even _thought_ about poking the bear, the bear would friggin’ eat you!”

“But only half,” Dave teases.

Bro turns to him angrily. “Are you taking this seriously?” he demands.

“Yeah,” says Dave. He shoves his hands in his pockets. “But I don’t give a shit.”

“Excuse me, young man－” Mom starts, but Dave interrupts.

“Look, Lady, you’re hella badass, and I got mad respect for you,” he says, “but you ain’t actually family of mine, so mind steppin’ off a sec?” He turns back to Bro and Roma. “Yeah, I get it, you’re our parents. You give a shit if we live or die. I appreciate the hell outta that. But if you step back a sec and look at what you’ve been doing, what you’ve been talking about doing, the only thing you seem willing to do is protect _us_. You’re right, there’s nothing to be done about Dave Senior and Rosa anymore. But there is a monstrosity out there ripping up _souls_ for the sake of power and control over the _populace_ , and the only thing anybody here seems to want to do about it is run away. Run away and just… just _leave_ it! Leave it doing whatever the fuck it wants to anybody else!”

Bro’s shoulders lose some of their rigidity. He sighs again. “I know, dude,” he says quietly. “I promise I’ll look into it. But you－”

“ _You_ will look into it?” Dirk demands. “So what, we do all the work, and then you jump in and－?”

“Dirk, you know what’s not what this is about,” Bro snaps.

“We can’t let you risk yourself like that,” Dave objects.

Bro actually laughs at him. “Really? How the fuck do you think I feel when you do assholes run around diving off spiritual cliffs just to fucking see what will happen?”

“He was my father,” Dirk tries.

“He was _my_ brother!” Bro counters. “And I don’t care how old you are, you are always my responsibility, so don’t even fucking try.”

“Don’t you think it’s a bit early to argue over who gets to die first?” Mum asks. She’s still hugging you all, though more casually now － using John’s head as an armrest.

“Here here!” Roma agrees, lifting her hand. When she realizes she doesn’t actually have a drink in hand to toast with, she blushes and puts her hand back down. “I mean that Ms. … Egbert, is it? Ms. Egbert is right. Throwing themselves straight at the bad guy is how Rosa and Dave, apparently, got themselves killed. However we face this, it can’t be directly.”

“And what happens if you can’t find an indirect path at her?” Dirk demands.

“Then we give it up,” Bro says. “Yes, it sucks for the world, but _you_ are priority. Get over it.” Dirk storms out. You’re not sure, but you’re pretty sure he added a “Try and fucking stop me,” at the door. Bro watches him go then turns to… you? “Jade, how worn out is your hellbeast after getting five people here?”

You think about it. “Well, that was like an hour ago… If I can irradiate a steak for him, he should be good to go pretty soon!” you tell him.

Roma perks up. “Oh! I can irradiate a steak for you!” she says. “I have everything needed here!”

Bro rolls his eyes toward the ceiling. “Everyone I know is a freak,” he mumbles.

“Dude!” Dave chastises. “You’re the only one here with a _puppet fetish_!”

“Speak for yourself,” Roma teases, causing Dave to promptly groan and bury his face in his hands.

“Can I ask what you need Bec for?” you ask Bro.

He glances the way Dirk had gone, shrugs, and says, “I need to move shit out of Dirk and Dave’s rooms before they can do something stupid.”

“What?!” Dave cries, flashstepping right in front of Bro. “No way! You can’t do that!”

Bro rolls his eyes. “Can and will, little man,” he drawls. “And before you say anything, I know you could call Libra down with a shitty crayon drawing of a dragon. I know because you have done so before. I also know there is no point to keeping you away from magic as a whole; a lot of this shit can be done with little to no materials. But I _will_ enforce our decision that you will _not_ go after Crocker again. That means taking away any magical or mundane materials that could help you and barring you from meeting up without supervision. Shut up, I don’t care how old you are; you act like a child, you will be treated like one.”

Dave attempts to say something, shuts his mouth, attempts again, shuts his mouth again, and then sits down straight on the floor. So much for countering the “acting like a child” argument. Bro rolls his eyes and turns to Roma and asks, “Yo, how soon can you get on that steak?”

“I’ll work on it now,” Roma says, standing. “Roxy, come with me. Rose, stay with Bro.”

“Yes, Mother,” Rose says. She reaches behind the couch and pulls out some partly-finished knitting project. You're fairly certain that knitting needles aren't supposed to be _that_ sharp.

Your mom watches them go, then turns to Bro. “You’re experienced in witchcraft?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he says. “I keep an eye on the neighborhood creeps. You?”

“I’ve gone in and out of dabbling. Less so, since Nanna came to live with me,” she says. “For obvious reasons. However, we’ve used it when necessary, and she has even acted as support for my work.”

Bro nods. “I think we can work something out on this Crocker thing, then,” he tells her. “You’re free to look through my brother’s shit. I don’t know if Roma kept－”

“You said you burned all of it!” Dave objects from the floor. He's pouting exaggeratedly, but he doesn't seem particularly surprised.

“I say a lot of things,” Bro says, waving a dismissive hand at him.

Dave groans and lies back melodramatically on the floor. “I wanna live with Mom.”


	2. Chapter 2

If you thought it was freaky and disconcerting to see Bro on the verge of tears from being upset, it is much, much worse when he is furious. “YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING WITH YOUR _BRAIN_?!” Your coven has never thought much about Dirk’s soul-clone servitors. Sure, it personally made you uneasy at first, but so did most things any Strilonde came up with. You got quickly used to it. You mean, he always seemed so confident and knowledgeable…

Now that Bro is screaming at him, however, you start to wonder if you’ve been a bad friend. Had you all taken Dirk’s abilities for granted? Did you take your own for granted? How risky _has_ your behavior been?

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Dirk drawls. He’s leaning against the wall with the least stuff in front of it with his arms crossed in front of him while Bec sniffs at a small robot/servitor called Squarewave. Its sole purpose seems to be the production of a constant string of the most inane rap lyrics imaginable. “It’s just small imprints of my soul, which is an imaginary aspect of personality. Hardly a risk to the self.”

“Only a… Have you learned _nothing_ from Harry Potter?!” Bro demands. He’s still holding his strange pendulum, a busted needle from a turntable tied to probably the first piece of string he found. Sure it works, and it’s currently going _haywire_ , but there is something to be said for style.

“Who?” asks Dirk. And… yeah, you honestly have no idea if he’s being serious or not. It could go either way with that guy! Damn unreadable Striders. At least Dave has the decency to be horrible at it, and Bro seems plenty emotive in the appropriate circumstances. Dirk, however, is a brick wall. You live alone on a monster-infested island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with your two moms and one brother, and somehow you are more in touch with the world than this ridiculous recluse.

“Stop dicking around, and shut them down,” Bro orders.

Dirk _snorts_ at him. “How ‘bout no?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Bro demands. “Are we gonna have this goddamn argument again?”

Dirk shrugs. “If you’re tired of having it with me, I can build you an argument bot. Same answer either way,” he says.

Bro slams his fist down on the desk. This is quickly escalating again. You pull out your phone to message Dave. “I honestly don’t know what to do with you anymore,” he says, and, despite how angry he is, he sounds so… defeated. “I have tried to reason with you.”

“‘Because I said so’ is not a reason,” Dirk drawls.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
GG: dave theyre arguing again!! D:  
TG: ugh fuck me in the ass

“I have tried appealing to sentiment, family, your dried up crusty emotions!”

Dirk just shrugs. “Maybe my parental figure didn’t do a good job teaching me what those were.”

TG: uh thats a phrase of frustration btw  
TG: i dont actually need you to fuck me in the ass  
TG: well i dont guess anyone needs it per se  
TG: im just saying that isnt what i meant  
GG: what???  
GG: X( omg dave i know that!!  
GG: just do something please!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TG: talkin to mom will update

Bro is still flailing. Well, flailing on the inside. He’s actually standing rather still with his arms crossed across his chest, though his voice is getting increasingly louder and his lips are snarling a bit. “God knows not a soul can beat any sense into you!”

Dirk actually has the gall to _smile_. “Yeah, that you actually advised well on.”

Bro uncrosses his arms. “That only leaves one punishment I can hold over you.”

The smile falls off Dirk’s face.

GG: um bro is threatening to punish dirk and dirk looks scared? :/  
TG: what  
TG: oh that  
TG: okay yeah get out of the way and theyll be done soon  
GG: ????  
GG: SHIT  
GG: XZASVGN  
TG: told you to get out of the way

While you were distracted, Bro and Dirk started flashstepping around the tiny apartment, knocking over pretty much everything. Bec has started barking and prancing in confusion. You, in your surprise, dropped your phone.

You dive to the floor with an arm over your head, hoping that’s safe, and pick up the phone, quickly texting Dave back.

GG: D: WY ARE THEYCHASING EACH OTHER?  
TG: dirk hates being hugged, grabbed, or touched in a prolonged manner  
TG: hes like a little baby bird that way all delicate and shy and ready to tear your eyes out of your skull  
TG: anyway its the only punishment that actually works its kind of fucked up so it gets saved for special occasions  
TG: gotta say im really curious what he did this time  
GG: WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FUCKED UP  
TG: the question of the ages

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]  
TT: Yo, I’ve got a favor to ask.  
GG: how are you messaging me while running from bro???  
TT: What?  
TT: No, this is Dirk’s Auto-Responder. Which is to say, basically Dirk.  
GG: oh  
GG: um im currently on the floor trying not to be stepped on im not sure i can help you  
TT: I’m on the shelf behind you. The spare anime glasses. Get me while they’re distracted.  
TT: Please.  
GG: um ok

You carefully army crawl your way back to the wall to avoid jumping up into the middle of a strife, then stand, reaching behind you to grab the glasses. You tuck them into the pocket of your hoodie.

GG: were you afraid youd get broke  
TT: Afraid I’d be turned off.  
TT: I’m not sure Dirk would fess up to how I’m different, and I definitely do not calculate that Bro would take any sympathy even if he did.  
GG: what do you mean how youre different? how are you different?  
TT: Well, I heard them arguing about turning the servitors off.  
GG: Yeah, sorry, bud.  
TT: I’m not a servitor.  
TT: Well, I am.  
TT: But.  
TT: You know all those jokes about being literally Dirk?  
GG: ...  
GG: oh no

“GET OFF ME! JADE!” Dirk calls from somewhere in the kitchen. You peek out the door to see that Bro has knocked him to the floor and is only grabbing an ankle. What the hell? This is the Striders’ second-biggest badass?

Bec looks up at you dubiously. “Yeah, tell me about it, buddy,” you mumble to him, reaching down momentarily to pat his head reassuringly.

TT: I mean, Dirk is still Dirk.  
TT: But I am also Dirk.  
TT: Much more so than the bots could ever hope to be.  
GG: Are you actually his soul?  
TT: I don’t know. Souls can’t be quantified.  
TT: But I was an experiment in how far he could take the imprinting thing.  
TT: Answer: All the way.  
TT: Jade, I’m a real person. I’m a bot. I’m a pair of glasses. But god help me, I am a real damn person.  
TT: And I don’t want to be turned off.  
GG: oh no!!  
GG: dont worry youre safe with me! <3  
TT: You’re an angel.

“JADE! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TEXTING? GET HIM OFF ME!” Dirk shouts. Bro has pinned Dirk with a foot to Dirk's chest, but is still only gripping his ankle. If Dirk hates being touched, Bro’s only using that leverage enough to end the argument quickly. There’s a hint of a scowl on his face, and Bro also glances at you. Like he’d actually do what you said.

Oh, maybe he would! Maybe Bro’s not actually sure that tackling Dirk to win an argument is the right thing to do? It does make you kind of uncomfortable, but this argument does need to be ended quickly. Thing is, you think you know now why Dirk was resisting so much and had made certain to be the first to leave Lalonde Manor. “I was texting you,” you tell him, sticking your tongue out like it’s a joke. You shove your phone in your hoodie pocket, bumping the glasses just enough that Dirk should be able to see the outline of the points briefly. Bro doesn’t seem to think anything of there being something else in your pocket, but one of Dirk’s eyebrows go up. “Bro, what you’re doing is mean so please stop. Dirk, you know you’re not gonna win; this argument is just gonna go on and on and keep escalating. Go take your imprint off Sawtooth and Squarewave and save your energy for a less stupid battle.” You put your hands on your hips to make it clear that you are taking no shit.

Bro releases Dirk’s ankle but doesn’t seem convinced that Dirk will actually comply. Dirk keeps staring at you. After a moment, he gets up and moves back into his room, Bro tailing him. He puts his hands on Squarewave’s chest and concentrates. Squarewave doesn’t actually shut down, but you feel the small crackle of energy moving back into Dirk and the bot stops rapping. He moves on to Sawtooth and does the same thing. Sawtooth looks around, sights you and Bro, and his swordhand moves slightly. Dirk reaches around and turns him off. Without turning back to Bro, Dirk says, “Exactly what do you plan on taking, because with Sawtooth off, I’m gonna need a serious reinforcement to my wards.”

“As long as your wards don’t include chunks of _you_ , I’m fine with that,” says Bro. He pulls the shitty pendulum back out of his pocket. “I’m tuning this to be active around anything you can use to go after Crocker again. Start moving shit out to the circle Jade drew. When the needle stops moving, then I trust you to have given me everything.”

Dirk snorts. “Trust. Right.” He kneels down to start pulling shit out from under his bed. “God, I am going to be so bored until this is over.”

Bro rolls his eyes and says, “Dude, sitting around jacking off is literally your profession. Somehow, I think you’ll be fine.”

“Hey, there’s a lot more involved than that,” Dirk objects, bristling slightly. “It’s actually hard work, believe it or not.”

“Uh, okay, I’m gonna take Bec for a walk,” you tell them. “So I don’t have to hear any more about my friend’s penis. Can I trust you guys not to strife for that long?”

Dirk only shrugs, still not looking up from whatever he’s doing. Bro nods toward the door. “Yeah, sure, take your god for his walkies.”

You watch Dirk for a moment, measuring how tense he is, then beckon Bec to follow you. Outside the apartment, you wait several minutes, listening. When strifing continues not to happen, you decide they really are good for now and start walking down the steps. Bec doesn’t follow you. It doesn’t matter. If he feels like a walk, he’ll meet you at the bottom or maybe somewhere along the way. Once you get out of sight of the apartment, you pull your phone out again.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
GG: okay dirk relented after i snuck ar past bro  
GG: bro is pissed about the servitors :(  
TG: why he never cared that i have a servitor  
GG: first of all the mayor is the worst servitor ever made  
TG: how dare you  
GG: hey i love him too  
GG: but SERVitors are supposed to SERVE a purpose  
GG: the mayor just hangs out in the kitchen and reorganizes the pantry  
TG: that’s a purpose  
GG: nothing in your pantry is labeled!  
TG: labels are for squares jade thats why theyre square  
TG: besides im pretty sure its lil cal or even bro or hell maybe im doing it in my sleep or theres a creeper living in our crawlspace because unlike dirks bullshit mayor has no fucking robo body to allow him the ability to manipulate physical objects  
GG: *eyeroll* anyway what bro doesnt like is how dirk does it  
GG: the whole pieces of dirk thing  
GG: i have to admit when you step back and look at it its kind of creepy  
TG: you just realized that?  
GG: shut up!! :P  
GG: anyway it seems that ar is… well dirk is a lot more defensive about him so now he seems to have chilled out :B  
TG: cool ill let lalondes know shit is handled  
GG: thanks!  
gardenGnostic [GG] stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
GG: hey ar is everything still okay? :B  
TT: Peachy. Why do you ask?  
GG: bro has a pendulum thats supposed to detect dirks dangerous things  
GG: are you totally housed in these glasses or is there like a server or something thats still endangered and i need to find a way to protect you?  
TT: Jade, are you calling me dangerous?  
GG: hehe i dont guess so but im not sure of the parameters of that pendulum  
GG: maybe he just means powerful  
GG: or smart  
GG: or… idk!  
TT: I’m a computer, Jade. I’m basically everywhere. But if I was to be dissipated, the witch would need these glasses. So, yes, I’m safe now.  
GG: oh good thats a relief! :D  
TT: Huh.  
GG: :?  
TT: Looks like I’m not the only magic in the network.  
TT: I think this might be Roxy’s handiwork. Be right back.  
timaeusTestified [TT] stopped pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

gutsyGumshoe [GG] started pestering gardenGnostic [GG]  
GG: Jade, it is starting to get lonely in this house. Do you know when you’ll be back?  
GG: um mr strider wants me here while hes taking stuff out of dirks house and idk he might want me to do that with dave too?  
GG: but ill be home right after that! :B  
GG: Mr. Strider?  
GG: oh um daves dad and dirks uncle everyone calls him bro though!  
GG: Well, please try to come soon okay?  
GG: bec might get worn out but i promise ill come as soon as i can! :B <3  
GG: Thank you, Jade.  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] stopped pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

You pocket your phone and head back to the apartment. You don’t know when they started strifing on the roof, but you’re going to kick them both off it if they don’t quit it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, mP and I actually discussed the implications of AR knowing about Harry Potter while Dirk _claims_ that he does not. What even is my life anymore idk


End file.
